Regaining Confidence
by krmee101
Summary: Rachel is putting on a fake smile to make it through the day but she's hiding a deep secret from everyone around her until she can't any longer. She goes to Miss Pillsbury for help. She winds up helping her in more ways than Rachel thought she would.
1. Chapter 1: That Special Release

**A/N: Ok, so this is my very first piece. Reviews and comments are very much appreciated. There will be 3 more chapters added to this story that are already written. If I get any interest in the story I'll finish it. It's rated M for later chapters. And just a reminder, I don't own Glee or anything realted to that and yadda, yadda, yadda. So, without further ado, please enjoy!**

Chapter 1: That Special Release

_The two of them look so happy together. How can I put myself in the middle of that? But I love him. Every time I look at him my stomach flips. When he smiles my heart melts. When he sings it takes every drop of self-control for me to not throw myself into his arms. Yes, I'm sure I love Finn. But he's with Quinn right now. I hurt him terribly when I got with Puck. He would never be able to forgive me. But wait…Quinn cheated on him too with Puck and he forgave her. I don't even get what he sees in her, I'm much better than that. Well, that's what my friends tell me at least. I don't believe them though. I know I'm an excellent singer and quite an amazing dancer but I guess that's not enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not kind enough. I'm not enough for anyone. Just look at Quinn, she's so beautiful. I could never be that pretty. Her perfect hair, flawless skin, toned body, amazing curves, delicate hands, kissable lips…NO! I can't have those thoughts again, not now. Ugh, why do I think about things like this at school where I can't get any release? Oh well, only one more hour until I can go home and feel the ice cold sharpness against my skin once again. _

"Hey Rach, you okay?" A familiar voice broke her of her trance like state. Everyone else had already cleared out of the choir room. She hadn't even noticed that practice was over.

"Oh, yea, I'm fine. Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind with Nationals and everything."

"Okay. Just making sure my only competition isn't going crazy on me." Kurt teased.

"Of course not. And I wouldn't consider me your competition; I'm at a much higher level than you are." Rachel replied, in a joking manner.

"Yea, sure you are. Don't let all this pressure get to your head Rach; we need you to be on top of your game for Nationals if we expect to win."

"I won't. Don't worry about me."

"As you wish. Anyway, I've got to meet Blaine for coffee so I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Yea, see ya Kurt." Rachel sat there for another minute before sighing, grabbing her bag and heading out the door. She couldn't wait to be home and lock herself in her room. She could picture it now; the shinning stainless steel against her tan skin, the thin line of crimson forming as she moved the blade, the small drops of blood leaving her skin and taking all her pain with them. The thought of purging her body of all emotions sent shivers down her spine.

Rachel opened the door to her house slowly so as not to disturb her fathers. They were usually home and watching their shows when she got back from Glee club practice. She walked through the living room and straight up to her bedroom. They didn't even acknowledge her walking past the television, like usual.

_They never notice me come in. They never notice me at all. They never come to any of my performances anymore. Am I not good enough for them anymore either?_

Rachel placed her bag on her desk and walked over to her bed. She threw herself into the soft mass of pillows and blankets while reaching out towards her nightstand. She opened the drawer and pulled out a small, jeweled box. Rachel sat up on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. Slowly, she opened the box and removed the sparkling blade from its discreet hiding place. She held it between her fingers, staring at her reflection in the sharp weapon. She placed it gingerly down on the bed next to her. Her fingers trembled as they reached for her stockings to remove them. She knew that cutting herself wasn't the answer but it was all she could do. It was the only way she could make her pain go away, if only for a little while. She stared at the insides of her thighs. They were covered in lines of varying sizes and shades of red. Rachel ran one finger from her knee to where her leg met her torso. She could remember each slice she made into her skin. She could recall each and every emotion the cut temporarily erased from her head. She continued to stare in awe at her legs. She picked up the razor and touched it to the delicate skin of her inner left thigh. She pressed down just enough to watch a small droplet escape from the corner. Her fingers pulled the blade down leaving a trail of blood trickling down her leg. This cut was for the love that will never be reciprocated by Finn. She placed the blade one inch from the first cut pressing slightly harder and making it twice the length. This was for the feeling of inadequacy she felt around the other girls in the Glee club. Once more she placed the blade to her thigh pressing even harder than before. She pulled the blade down creating a deep cut three inches long. The dark blood ran down her thigh and landed against the blade that she held still at the end of the cut. This one was for the feelings she doesn't want to admit.

_I can't feel this way. I love Finn. He's a boy. I like boys. I like kissing boys. I would assume I would like to have sex with boys since I admire their figures. But why do I keep looking at Quinn and Santana and Brittany with lust? Every time I look at them I get all warm and picture them in their short cheerleading skirts. I imagine what their curves would look like when there's nothing to hide them. I want to explore every inch of their bodies with my hands. I want to learn every curve and little feature. I…I can't think this way. I know being gay isn't wrong, love is love. I just don't think that's what's right for me. I want a family. I want a husband. I want to be loved. But I can't help but like what I see whenever a hot girl walks past me. I used to think it was simply jealousy of their perfect bodies but now, I'm not so sure. Not like my feelings would matter anyway. I'm not good enough for Finn or any guy for that matter so what makes me think I would be good enough for a girl? I'm just not good enough for anybody. Why do I even bother anymore? If singing was enough then I'd be happy right now. I'm tired of putting on this fake strong front in school. I smile and act like I'm so confident with myself. It's all a lie. Most days I just want to curl up into a hole and never come out again. There isn't even anybody I can talk to about this. I don't have any really close friends. I have Kurt and Mercedes but they wouldn't understand. They think I'm this super confident diva with a perfect life. Maybe I can talk to Mr. Shue. No, that would be too awkward. It doesn't even matter anyway. Nobody would take me seriously. Wait, what about Miss Pillsbury? She's the guidance counselor, she has to listen to and believe me. Yea, maybe she'll be able to help me. I can't do this cutting thing anymore. Summer's almost here and I want to be able to wear my cute dresses again. Well, not like that would matter since no one would notice anyway. Meh, oh well. It's worth a shot though. The logical part of me is saying this needs to stop. So it's settled, tomorrow I'll stop by Miss Pillsbury's office and talk to her._

Rachel sighed loudly and slowly got off the bed. She walked over to her bathroom and wrapped some tissue around her leg to stop the bleeding. She washed the blade off and placed it carefully back into its box. She changed into pajama pants and a tee shirt then headed downstairs to help prepare dinner. Once again she had to plaster a fake smile on her face. _Not for long_, she thought. _Tomorrow I'll try to make a change._


	2. Chapter 2: Help Me, Please

Chapter 2: Help Me, Please

Emma came in to work early today. She didn't sleep well the night before. There's been one person one her mind lately and she can't seem to stop thinking about him. But who couldn't? Will Shuester was the hottest guy Emma had ever laid eyes on. Every time she closed her eyes she saw him singing and dancing just for her.

_Snap out of this Emma. You can't have him. He's not that into you. Besides, when you had the chance to get with him you chickened out. You're too much of a freak for him to actually like you. Ugh, I have to stop fantasizing over him. He's driving me nuts! Ok, today I'm just going to concentrate on my work. These kids need my help but I can't help them if I have too many of my own problems to deal with._

Emma nearly jumped out of her seat when she heard a knock at her door. She waved her visitor in and was shocked to see that it was the one and only Rachel Berry standing sheepishly in front of her. Emma motioned for her to come in and close the door behind her. She was confused as to why Rachel was in her office since she so rarely asked for her advice. Rachel was always so confident in herself and everything she did. Nonetheless, she looked distressed and Emma couldn't stand having a sad student in her presence.

"Hi Rachel! What can I help you with today?" Emma asked with an extra amount of enthusiasm in her voice.

"Hi Miss Pillsbury. Uhm, I was just wondering if I could talk to you about something. I don't know how to say it or where to start or anything but I need to get this off my chest before I go crazy. It's getting to be too much and I just can't handle this anymore. I need help… Please, can you help me?" Rachel looked up at Emma with teary, pleading eyes. Emma had never seen the diva look this desperate and helpless before. She offered Rachel some tissues and led her to the couch to sit. Emma sat down next to her with one hand on top of Rachel's.

"Of course you can talk to me. That's what I'm here for! Whatever's going on you can tell me; you can trust me, I promise."

_Wow, I've never seen Rachel this upset. Even when she was going through a hard time with Finn she was able to remain calm and collected. Sure, I've seen her cry while singing but those were quite emotional songs. I hate seeing her like this. She's too pretty to be crying. Uhh…wait…did I really just think that? I can't think that way about my students. But I can't help it, she's so gorgeous. Since the day I met her at freshman orientation I've felt a twinge of jealousy when it comes to her. That is jealousy, right? It has to be. I can't think of her any other way. She's my student and that's it._

"Uhm, Miss Pillsbury?" Rachel looked at Emma with a confused expression.

"Oh, yes, Rachel, sorry, I zoned out a bit. Anyway, please, tell me what's going on. Why are you so upset?"

"Well, it's complicated to explain. There's so much going through my head that it's hard to say it all. But basically, I don't feel like I'm good enough. I'm not good enough for Finn. I'm not good enough for my dads. I'm not good enough for the Glee club. I'm not good enough for anyone. I put on this fake smile and strong front every day because I have to. I don't want people to think I'm weak but I am. I know I'm an amazing singer and I'm talented in that way but that's still not enough. I can't handle feeling so inadequate. It's the only emotion I can feel. Well, that and pain, physical pain."

"What do you mean by 'physical pain'?" Emma looked concerned for Rachel. She knew she was talking about self-mutilation but she wanted to be positive, Rachel had to actually say it. She wanted to know what she was doing and where. She took a quick look at her wrists and saw nothing so she assumed it would be somewhere hidden, the sneaky way to harm yourself.

"Well, uhm, I started cutting myself. It's the only way I can actually feel something. It gives me a release from everything else that's going on. But I want to stop. I know it's wrong and it doesn't solve my problems but I just can't. I want the scars to go away. I want the pain to go away."

"Rachel, I know you know it's wrong. I would have never suspected that you cut yourself since you always seem to be fine and there are no marks on your arms or anywhere else visible. I don't want you to feel like that's the only option you have. Believe me, it's not. There are plenty of ways to deal with the pain you feel. I don't like seeing you upset like this. You are good enough. You are perfect. Yes, you are incredibly talented with singing and dancing as you've proven countless times. You are the best performer we have in Glee club. There's no way they would have made it to nationals without you. As far as Finn goes, it's not that you're not good enough for him; he's not good enough for you. He went back to a girl who cheated on him with his best friend and lied about having his baby. You don't need a guy who's that insecure. And your fathers love you so much. You are perfect to them. I know they haven't been to any of your shows with the Glee club but they still know how amazing you are. Trust me. You are absolutely beautiful."

"But I just don't believe it. I used to, but now, I just don't know."

"It's ok to feel bad like this sometimes. You'll work through it. And I can help you. But Rachel, cutting yourself is not going to help. Do you mind if I ask where you cut?"

"The insides of my thighs. I can keep it hidden if I have to."

"Oh. May I see the scars?"

"Uhm, I don't know Miss Pillsbury. There's something else that's been bothering me too and making me feel the urge to cut even more. I don't think I would be comfortable telling you and having my legs exposed so much."

"Oh, okay." Emma looked slightly disappointed but complied to Rachel's request. She placed her hand gently on Rachel's upper leg to show that she knows the scars are there, where she shows them or not. "Go on and tell me what else has been on your mind."

"Uhm, I don't really know how to say this. It's kind of weird and complicated to explain. I feel like it's wrong for me to even think this way but I know that it's not and I'm just so confused."

"What is it?"

"I think I might be bisexual. Or bicurious. Or something. I don't really know. All I know is that I like boys, I love boys. But I can't help but notice when an attractive girl walks past me. I can't control the physical reaction my body has by a hug or simply a touch of another woman. I don't know what to think of these thoughts. I want to have a husband. I want to have children. I want all of that but I fantasize about women. My head is so confused with everything."

Emma searched Rachel's eyes for clues on exactly the right words to say. _I have never heard anybody else explain this in that way before. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. Rachel and I are more alike than I thought. _Once she noticed her hand was now slowly stroking Rachel's leg she stopped abruptly and moved her hand back to her own lap. "Well, Rachel, what you are feeling is perfectly normal." She started. "Just about every girl has thought about other women in a romantic or sexual way. I even feel the same way you do. Love is love no matter what the gender, age, race, or whatever of the other person is. The only thing you need to figure out is whether or not you want to explore those feelings. You could just live the way you do now and repress the thoughts or you could experiment. That depends on you."

"But that's the thing! I don't think I'm good enough for a man to like me so why would I be good enough for a girl?"

Emma placed her hand on Rachel's shoulder and stared deep into her eyes. "Rachel, stop saying that you're not good enough because you are. You are so talented and smart and caring and beautiful. People notice when you walk into a room. Your looks attract everyone to you but your personality is what keeps them coming back. You are a strong woman who knows exactly what she wants from her life and that is very attractive to many people. Please, stop thinking that you're not good enough, that you're worthless. You mean so much to everyone; you mean so much to me. I may be just your guidance counselor but I do care about you, Rachel. You have been through so much torture and experienced harsh ridicule but look how far you've come. You're an amazing young woman and don't forget that."

Small tears started to roll gently down Rachel's cheek. Emma reached out and swiped them away with a pass of her thumb over Rachel's flawless skin. "Thank you Miss Pillsbury. I have to go now though, I don't want to miss Glee practice."

"You're welcome Rachel. Just remember, I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to."

Rachel got up and left the room looking only slightly happier than when she entered.

_She'll be back soon, _Emma thought, _they always come back. They don't want me to see because then I have to tell their parents but soon enough they can't hold it back anymore and feel the need to show me what they've done. Usually their injuries gross me out because it is unsanitary and unnecessarily painful. But I really want to see the scars on Rachel. I want to see the red lines that I'm sure cover almost all of the tan skin of Rachel's inner thighs. I want to run my fingers along the scars. I want to…stop. I want to stop thinking about her in this way. This is too much. She's my student for goodness sakes! Oh Emma, you've really got yourself in an odd situation, haven't you now?_


	3. Chapter 3: I Feel Loved

Chapter 3: I Feel Loved

Rachel was lying awake in her bed, the cold metal held fast in her fingertips, thinking of the events that unfolded throughout the day. She thought back to seeing Finn and Quinn walking hand in hand down the hall as she passed the blade once more down her leg. She thought back to admiring Santana's outfit and the way it dipped down in the front just enough to make Rachel tingle with heat. The razor left another bright red trail against her tan skin. She thought back to her conversation with Miss Pillsbury. The metal was taught against her leg once more. She pressed down to make another slice into her skin but couldn't bring herself to do it. She kept thinking back to her conversation. Miss Pillsbury's voice kept repeating itself over and over in her head.

"_Trust me. You are absolutely beautiful."_ Miss Pillsbury was so sweet to me; _I'm glad I talked to her. I've never heard anybody say all those things to me and truly mean it. I should have showed her my scars. I should have let her in more. But I can't let my dads find out. They'll freak out. But Miss Pillsbury seems to care so much about me. She knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I don't know. I should go back to her. I should show her my scars. Yea, that's what I'll do; I'll show her my scars tomorrow. She's the only one who really cares about me. I want her to see my pain. Maybe she can help me get rid of it. I need this pain to go away._

The next morning Rachel went straight to Miss Pillsbury's office. She was about to knock on her door when she saw Miss Pillsbury through the open blinds. She was sitting at her desk with her head in her hands. Rachel had never seen her counselor this upset. She wondered what was going on to make such a strong and happy woman appear so broken. Then again, Rachel had put up the strong front too. She knew perfectly well that you can be broken inside but make the world think you're fine. Rachel took it upon herself to enter the small office. Miss Pillsbury looked up from her desk when she heard the door slowly creak open. She wiped the tears from her eyes and greeted Rachel with a fake smile.

"Oh, hey Rachel. How are you feeling today? Any better?"

"Hi Miss Pillsbury! Actually, I am feeling a bit better today. I just wanted to talk to you a little bit more. But, uhm, are you ok? I couldn't help but notice you were crying."

"Yea, I'm fine, don't worry about it. What did you want to talk to me about still?"

"Okay then. Well, I was thinking about things last night. I know that I told you what's going on with me and such but I still feel the same way. I know, just one night isn't going to fix anything but I still couldn't stop myself from cutting again last night. I still pressed the blade to my skin. I still left red lines along my thighs. I still watched the blood slowly drip down." Rachel looked down at her knees as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. She could barely hold herself together. "But you want to know the funny thing about it? It didn't take the pain away this time. I didn't feel better at all. In fact, I felt worse. You said you didn't want to see me hurt myself anymore but I cut anyway. I went against what you asked of me. All I heard was your voice telling me that I'm beautiful and I am enough. Hearing your voice is what stopped me from cutting even more. I had the blade in my hand. I was ready to slice until my leg was numb. "

Miss Pillsbury held Rachel in a tight embrace as she gently cried into her shoulder. She hated seeing Rachel so upset, especially because she's upset that she disappointed her. "It's okay Rachel. Don't worry about not feeling perfect after just one night. It takes time to wrap your head around everything. But in time you will understand just how amazing you are."

"I hope so. I don't want to feel this way forever. I want to be a star. I need to be a star. But I can't if I feel so worthless all the time. I don't want to feel worthless anymore."

"Rachel, look at me. You are not worthless. You will be a star. I know you will."

"Miss Pillsbury?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"I want to show you my scars, if that's okay by you." Rachel looked up into Miss Pillsbury's concerned hazel eyes, her own brown ones riddled with tiny red lines of despair. Miss Pillsbury nodded and Rachel reached for the hem of her skirt. Her fingers toyed with the slightly frayed edge as she inched the paisley skirt from her knees to the tops of her thighs. Miss Pillsbury locked her eyes on Rachel's until she found her fingers tracing the line, course lines on Rachel's otherwise perfect skin. She slowly looked down to count the numerous scars. There must have been at least a hundred on each leg. Some had faded away into a slight pink line and others were still deep red and rough. Rachel shivered under the soft touch of Miss Pillsbury's hands.

_Her hands are so soft. Her fingers are so nimble. She looks so adorable and so caring right now. NO! Stop thinking this Rachel. She's your guidance counselor for crying out loud! I can't think of Miss Pillsbury this way. I just can't. But just look at her. Her gorgeous eyes, her silky hair, her milky skin. I've never had someone touch me so tenderly, with so much love. _

Rachel found herself staring as Miss Pillsbury ran her fingers lazily along her thigh. She watched as her eyes grew bigger and bigger with each new scar she came across. She had never seen such concern in Miss Pillsbury's eyes.

"Did it hurt?" Her voice startled Rachel and pulled her from her mind.

"A little." She looked away, ashamed at herself for doing such foolish things. Miss Pillsbury reached her hand back to the hem of Rachel's skirt pulling it back into place. She wrapped one arm around her shoulder and used the other to caress Rachel's face. She gently turned her face so that she was staring into the dark brown depths of Rachel's eyes.

"Rachel, I don't want you to ever feel like you need to hurt yourself again. You are so very special in every way. You're talented. You're beautiful. You're smart. You're caring. You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, especially yourself. Please, Rachel, understand how amazing you are, how special you are. Be honest with yourself and how you feel. That's the only way you will be able to realize the true you." Miss Pillsbury's thumb rubbed light circles into Rachel's cheek, wiping away the tears that were now flowing steadily from her eyes. She looked at the sad brunette and watched as her whole body shifted with each pass made by her thumb. She saw the pain start to dissolve away. She felt the heat rise from Rachel's core. She knew Rachel was feeling the same desires she was. "Rachel, I care so, so much about you. Don't ever forget that." Miss Pillsbury leaned in towards Rachel and took her lips up into her own. She lingered for a few seconds and gently pulled away. Rachel was shocked by Miss Pillsbury's action. She jumped of the couch and grabbed at the door.

"I-I-I have to go." Rachel slurred her sentence as she exited the suddenly tiny office.

_Wow. Did that really just happen? Did Miss Pillsbury really just do that? There's no way that just happened. No way. She was just being kind to me. She was just trying to help me. That was all it was, just kindness. But wow, that was the best kiss I have ever had. I could feel myself melt on the inside. I've never felt that way before with anyone, even Finn. No, this can't be. This can't be. This just can't happen._


	4. Chapter 4:Choir Room Confessions

Chapter 4: Choir Room Confessions

_I should not have done that. I should not have done that. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? Emma, what is wrong with you? She's a student; a beautiful, talented, amazing student. No, stop. She's still a student. This isn't right. I can't do this. I can't do this._

By ten in the morning Emma's office had been organized and reorganized five times. She washed the desktop and dusted every inch of the room. She scrubbed the floor until her fingers were raw and the fumes were too much for her to handle. No one had stopped by her office all morning. She was expecting Rachel to come by to figure out what had happened the day before. She knew Rachel was a talker; she wouldn't just leave what happened alone. Emma spent the whole day in her office with the blinds closed. If Rachel wasn't going to come to her she didn't want to risk seeing her. She knew she had to contact her fathers now because of the proof of self-mutilation but there was something holding her back. She couldn't tell if it was because she wanted to be the only one to help Rachel or because she didn't want Rachel to tell her parents what had happened between them. Whatever the reason, Emma just couldn't bring herself to pick up the phone. Not until she talked to Rachel again.

The rest of the day involved extreme cleaning and nervous advice to the few students that came in. Emma couldn't wait for the day to be over. She just wanted to curl up in front of her television with a glass of red wine and watch Oprah. The final bell rang and she packed her papers to head out. However, she decided to walk past the choir room on a whim. She didn't know what she was expecting or exactly why but her legs kept moving her towards the room. Emma's heart was racing with anticipation but she didn't know why; it was after Glee practice so the room should be empty. When she got to the door her heart skipped a beat. Rachel was sitting at the piano playing a lovely song and singing along. Emma started swaying to the beat and humming along. It took her a few moments before she recognized the song; it was a slowed down version of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." Emma took a few steps into the room and closed the heavy doors behind her. Rachel jumped at the sound of the wood against the metal jam. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you." Emma looked at the gorgeous woman now standing at the piano, her tear stained face staring back at the doe-eyed, red haired counselor.

"Miss Pillsbury, I, I mean, we…"

"I'm sorry Rachel. I shouldn't have kissed you yesterday. That was totally wrong and inappropriate." Rachel stepped closer to Emma and took her hand into her own. "I don't know what I was thinking. I just lost my control. I should have never done that. I'm so sorry Rachel. I just…" Her words were caught off by Rachel's lips crashing into her own. Emma was stunned. Her hands released her bag and it fell to the floor with a thud. Rachel continued to suck at Emma's lips with a fiery passion neither woman had felt before. Emma's hands began exploring the curves of Rachel's back while Rachel's fingers found their way into Emma's luscious hair. Rachel teased the edges of Emma's lips with her tongue, gently pushing her way into her mouth.

"Stop. Rachel, stop. We can't do this." Emma pulled herself away and picked up her bag again. Rachel took a step back while looking at Emma with desperation. Emma was about to leave when Rachel spoke up.

"Please don't go. I'm sorry. It's just; it's different when I'm with you. Miss Pillsbury, please, just hear me out." Rachel pleaded. Emma just couldn't resist Rachel's big, brown puppy dog eyes. She placed her bag back down on the floor and walked over to the piano. Emma sat on the bench with her back still towards Rachel; she didn't want her to see her cry yet again. Rachel had already stumbled upon her counselor in a distressed state; Emma didn't want that to happen again.

_She kissed me. She kissed me and didn't stop. I kissed her back. I can't let this happen. This is so wrong. It's bad enough that I've been swooning over Will like a school girl; I can't have a crush on a student. She's only sixteen. Just forget about it Emma, it's never going to happen. Just forget about it. Tell her this can't happen and that she's too young to understand what she's doing. _

"Miss Pillsbury, I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that I'm too young and that I don't know what I'm doing and so on. But you're wrong. I do know what I'm doing. I'm sixteen. That's old enough to know what I feel. I know the consequences that will come if anyone ever found out about us. But it's worth it. I can't help what I feel when I'm around you. You told me when I first came to you that love is love no matter what and that you'll know it when you feel it. Well, I feel it. This is different than anything I ever felt with Finn or Puck or Jesse. When I'm with you I just feel like me. I feel special, like someone really cares about me. Please, I don't want to just throw this away. I won't tell anybody, I promise." Rachel took Emma's hands into hers, "Please, I think I love you." Emma's vision was blurred by her tears but she could still make out Rachel's pleading face mere inches from her own.

"Rachel, we can't. It's not right."

"But you can't deny these feelings! I feel it and I know you do too!"

"I know. I know what you're feeling. I know what you want. It's just not right. I could lose my job and reputation and you're so young. You're just a child. You don't know what you really want yet."

"Stop telling what I do and do not want. Miss Pillsbury, Emma, I want you." Rachel gripped her hands tighter, both their bodies now shaking with sobs. "Please, Emma, I need you."

Emma looked at Rachel through the fog of water in her eyes. She knew what was happening was not right. She knew she could lose everything. But she also knew she couldn't deny her feelings. She knew that she loved Rachel more than anything in the world. She knew this moment would never come again. She leaned in slightly and kissed Rachel on the forehead.

"I love you Rachel. Never forget it." Emma's pink lips grazed Rachel's red ones. Emma landed each kiss with feather softness. Rachel kissed her back, deepening with each connection of their mouths. Emma stood, wrapped her arms around the small of Rachel's back and gently laid her on the piano bench. She planted light kisses along her neck and collar bone while her fingers unbuttoned Rachel's blouse exposing her lacy, white bra. Emma brought her lips down the length of Rachel's torso, lingering just a bit over her belly button. Her hands, which had been teasing Rachel's breasts, now dipped down to the top of her skirt. She slipped her fingers under the band and slowly slid it down her thighs. Emma marveled at the pure, innocent beauty of Rachel lying in front of her. She ran her fingers along Rachel's scars one more time, this time adding a small kiss to every so often. She looked up into Rachel's eyes as her fingers worked at removing her panties. Rachel stared down at her counselor, her innocence slipping away and being replaced with pure sex appeal.

_I can't believe this is really happening. I'm about to go down on my student in the choir room of the school. There is a beautiful woman lying with herself nearly completely exposed in front of me. How can this be true? I couldn't let myself get this far with the man I thought I loved and now I'm here, in this position with a student. But my goodness does she look amazing. I have never seen such sexiness and purity in one person. Just looking at her has me wet in my knickers. Oh my. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel is waiting for me to please her, make her feel loved. My God do I love her. _

Emma couldn't hold back any longer; this girl was driving her insane. She slid her fingers slowly along Rachel's slit. Slight pressure upon Rachel's clit already sent her hips bucking wildly. Emma knew it wouldn't take much more to send her over the edge into a pit of ecstasy. She slipped one finger into Rachel's entrance as her thumb traced light circles over her clit. Rachel squirmed with every pass Emma made. She added another finger and quickened the pace, curling her fingers ever so slightly until she knew Rachel couldn't take anymore. Rachel grabbed hold of the edge of the piano bench with a grip so tight her knuckles turned white. She arched her hips into Emma's hand then slowly brought them down to the bench, her body trembling from the thrill. Emma slowed the thrusting down and brought the finger count back to one so Rachel could slowly ride out her orgasm. Emma kissed the whole length up her body until she was at Rachel's lips once more. She looked into Rachel's eyes one more time and saw nothing but love emanating from her. Emma stood abruptly, grabbed her bag and turned to leave. Rachel grabbed her hand to stop her but she could tell that wasn't going to happen. Tears gushed from Emma's eyes as she ran out of the building to her car.

_I can't believe that just happened. I can't keep doing this. But I love her. I love Rachel. There's no doubt that what I feel for her is true. But she's a student. I'll lose my job if anyone finds out. I can't risk that. I love my job. I love helping children. But I love Rachel more. I can't do this. I just can't. _


	5. Chapter 5: Bleeding Love

**A/N: So I said this was going to be just a short, 4 chapter fic but I changed my mind. Now it's going to be 7 chapters long. I didn't think anybody would actually like it but I guess I was wrong. Reviews and constructive criticism is very much appreciated. Thank you(:**

Chapter 5: Bleeding Love

Rachel sat perfectly still on the piano bench, her eyes still locked on the door that Emma had just run out of. She reached for her skirt and pulled it back on taking care to tuck her blouse back in perfectly.

_Why did she leave like that? I said I loved her. Oh no, that must have been too much. But she said she loved me too. And then the way she kissed me and touched me and it was all just so perfect! I don't get it. I'm not going to tell anyone; why can't she trust me? I should go talk to her. She should trust me. I can't be without her._

Rachel ran from the choir room as soon as she was sure her clothes were in their proper place again. She scurried down the hall and out the doors leading to the teacher's parking lot. She wasn't sure which car was Emma's but that didn't matter once she caught a glimpse of the glistening, unmistakable red haired counselor. "Miss Pillsbury! Miss Pillsbury, wait!" Rachel called out but Emma didn't turn around. "Emma, please…just stop!" Hearing her first name being shouted out across the crowded parking lot caused Emma to turn around. She knew it was Rachel who had called her back but she didn't want to stop. She didn't want to talk to her. Her heart couldn't bear it. She looked at the brunette with sad eyes. She mouthed the words 'I love you' then got in her car and sped away. Rachel was left standing in the parking lot, tears now streaming down her face.

_What? Why? I don't…This makes no sense. I love her. She loves me. Why is that so hard for her to understand? I'm not going to tell anyone; I wouldn't be able to survive high school if I didn't have her to turn to. This all happened so fast. But, but I just know she loves me; she said so herself! Whenever I see her I don't think of Finn or anyone else. Really, I haven't thought of them at all since I noticed Emma. Emma. Maybe that's why she freaked out; I called her by her first name. Oh God, I've messed it all up. Okay. Calm down Rachel. It will be ok. _

Rachel walked back to her house and went up to her room as usual. Neither of her dads were home just yet so she didn't have to worry about hiding her tears. _Not like they'd notice anyway,_ she thought. She walked up the stair and locked herself in her room. Her eyes were blurred from the tears but her hands were still able to find her secret box. Rachel sat on her bed, inching her skirt up just enough to reach the middle of her thigh. Her shaking fingers pulled the shining blade from its resting place and pressed the cool metal to her trembling leg. She made one small cut and watched the blood start to bead from the wound. She dropped the razor onto her bed and burst into hysterical tears.

"Why? Why? Why? I love you! I love you so much!" Rachel cried out into the empty house. _I love her. Why did she walk away? I don't understand. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep cutting myself. If Miss Pillsbury found out she'd be…No, not Miss Pillsbury; if Emma found out she'd be so mad at me. I promised I wouldn't cut myself. I promised I would go to her. But she just walked away. She left me. She can't help me anymore. I messed it all up. I should have never said anything. I shouldn't have kissed her back. Oh Rachel, you're such a screw up! The only person that truly made you happy, you drove away! You pushed Emma away and she's never going to come back to you. She's your guidance counselor, you'll be lucky if she doesn't quit her job, or worse, get fired. Way to go Rachel, way to go._

Rachel's fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. They pressed cut after cut into her already bleeding legs. They were getting longer and deeper with each pass. Rachel stared at her legs as if they were an inanimate object with no nerves attached to her what so ever. She didn't feel anything; there was no pain, there was no happiness, there was no release; she was simply numb. Being numb was never what Rachel wanted. She just wanted to be happy again. She threw the blade across the room and jumped from her bed. Her head was spinning with everything.

_Air. I need air. I just need to breathe and calm down. But where can I go? I need to go somewhere far from here. I can't see anyone I know. That's it! I'll head down to that old park. No one goes there anymore and I haven't been there since, well, since that time. Maybe I shouldn't go down there. No, I will. Wow, Rachel, you really need to stop arguing with yourself, it's a sign of insanity._


	6. Chapter 6:That's Not What I Want Anymore

Chapter 6: That's Not What I Want Anymore

_She'll understand eventually, I know she will. Rachel's a smart girl. I just can't do this to her. I can't do this to myself. I can't risk it. I can't help her or anyone else if I fall in love with a student. This can't be happening. Will will understand though. He's just as good at advice giving as I am. And he's in a more stable condition than I am. I hope._

Emma drove the familiar route across town to Will's house. She parked her car and ascended the stairs to knock on his door. Will opened the door to a fragile Emma falling into his arms. "Emma, what's wrong?"

"I can't, I don't. Nothing."

"Okay. Uhm, come in, come in. It's okay Emma, it's okay."

Emma looked up at Will, choked out a simple "thanks", and sat on his couch. Will sat down next to the sobbing woman, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Will, I, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused."

"Emma, calm down, it's okay. Tell me what's going on. You can trust me."

"I can't. I mean, I can trust you, I just can't tell you. You wouldn't understand. I don't understand. I'm sorry Will."

"Okay. You don't have to say anything. Just know that I'm here for you." He lifted her chin with his fingers and pulled her lips into a light kiss. "No matter what."

Emma kissed him back with more explosive passion than her frail, little body has ever exerted. She grabbed at the back of Will's head, pushing him further and harder into her. Will had never seen Emma act with such disregard to her surroundings and self. He kissed back, nonetheless, returning all the passion and intensity she was giving him.

_What am I doing? This isn't right. I don't like Will like this, not any more. I love Rachel. I know it. This isn't right. I have to go back to Rachel._

Emma pulled away abruptly causing Will to nearly fall forward from his loss of support. "Emma, what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Will, it's not you. I just, I can't. I don't like you anymore. I've moved on. Will, can I confide in you?"

"Of course Emma, you can tell me anything, you know that."

"You have to promise to never tell anyone what I'm about to tell you. Promise me Will, promise me."

"I promise Emma."

"Ok. Will, I've fallen in love with someone that I shouldn't have fallen in love with. And I'm pretty sure she loves me back. But we can't be together and I don't know how to tell her. I don't know what to do."

"You're in love with a girl? I, I didn't know you went that way."

"Honestly, I didn't either until I saw her, really saw her, for the first time. Seeing her in such a vulnerable state, so upset, I just had to help her. And then one thing led to the next and I kissed her and now I don't know what to do. It's not right."

"Emma, being gay isn't a bad thing. If it's who you are then you should embrace it-"

"No, Will, that's not the problem. The problem is who it is. Will, I'm in love with Rachel Berry. She came into my office upset with everything and really depressed and I hated seeing her like that. And she was, I mean I could tell, and then we-"

"Emma, she's a student. She's sixteen! What were you thinking?"

"I know, I know. I just, I couldn't help myself. I know what I feel for her is real; there's no stopping it. Will, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my job but I don't want to lose Rachel either. Please, Will, I need your help."

"Well, Emma, you know what you're doing isn't right in the eyes of the law. But, for you to say that you are in love, that's a lot. When I thought you were in love with me you didn't let your boundaries down as far as you did for Rachel in just a few days. You must really trust her; you must really love her. Emma, I don't want to see you lose your job, you're so good at it and you love helping those kids. But I don't want to see you alone. I've always been here for you and always will be but if I can't provide exactly what you want and need then I can't get in the way of that. I won't say anything, I promise you that. But please think about this. Think about your situation. Think about Rachel. She's just a child. Emma, I can't tell you what to do; I just hope you make the right decision."

"Thank you Will, really." Emma stood and turned towards the door. She blew Will a kiss and reached for the handle. "I have to go. I just need time to think."

Emma knew exactly where she wanted to go; the park behind her house. She always went there to think when things got too tough. She parked her car in her own driveway and cut across her backyard to her favorite swing. She took her disinfectant wipes from her bag and wiped the seat. Then she carefully cleansed the chains holding the swing to the poles. After a complete cleaning of the swing Emma sat down and started swinging ever so slightly.

_What am I going to do? I love her. I have to end this though. I can't ruin her life by dragging her into mine. This isn't right. I have to tell her no. I have to stop this. Wait. Is that Rachel? I've never seen her here before. That can't be Rachel. That can't be…it is. Well, might as well end this now before everything gets too out of hand. It's for her own good. I love her too much. _


	7. Chapter 7: Never Leave

Chapter 7: Never Leave

The park with its single swing set and merry-go-round came into view in the dusky sky. A small figure was sitting on one of the swings already. _Damn. _Rachel thought. _I was hoping to be alone. Wait. Is that Miss Pillsbury? _The closer Rachel got to the park the more her heart started to race. Miss Pillsbury was sitting on the swing that Rachel broken in from her toddler years. She was staring back at her without running away. _Why isn't she running away? Oy! Now I'm confused. First she wants to talk, then she doesn't, and now she does! She is one indecisive lady! _

Rachel slowly approached Emma, wincing with each step as the pain finally moved up her legs and straight through her core. Emma didn't move from her place on the swing even when Rachel sat down next to her.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked her counselor.

"I was about to ask you the same thing. My house is right there. I come here often just to think." Emma replied, her voice shaking slightly.

"Oh. I used to come here to think, too, when I was younger. But I stopped after…"

"After what?" Rachel didn't know how to respond. She looked at Emma searching for a clue as to whether she really wanted to know or if she had nothing else to say. Rachel saw right into Emma's soul. She saw the raw emotion lying there just on the surface. She knew Emma had other things on her mind. But she also saw something else. She saw the concern she had for Rachel. She saw the interest. She saw the love.

"I used to come here when I was upset. I would sit on the swings, the one you're sitting in to be exact, and cry. It was never a problem because there was hardly anyone ever here. But one day when I was 7 a bunch of boys about my age came to play baseball. They saw me crying and came over to me. I thought they were going to say something nice like 'don't cry' or 'it's ok' but instead they laughed at me. They teased me for crying like a baby. I ran home and haven't been back here since then."

Emma was watching Rachel's soft, succulent lips as she told her story. She hated seeing her little diva upset. "Then why'd you come here tonight?" The words slipped from Emma's tongue with a tone of annoyance. She wanted to be alone to figure out a way to get Rachel out of her mind but instead the beauty was now sitting down beside her, telling another heart breaking truth of her childhood.

"I don't really know. I just felt like I had to; like it was the only place I could go."

"Oh, I, Rachel!"

"What?"

"You're leg! It's bleeding! Rachel, did you cut yourself again?"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't stop myself! I just hurt so badly. I need you."

"I know. Come on, let's get you cleaned up. An infection is the very last thing you need." Emma took Rachel's hand and led her to the back door of her house. She walked her up the stairs, into the bathroom, grabbing clean towels along the way. Her nimble fingers made quick work of Rachel's buttons on her blouse. She gently slid her skirt down being careful not to smear any of her bright red blood on the fabric. Emma stopped and stared at the sight before her. What she saw wasn't a sixteen year old, depressed, student. Instead, she saw a mature young woman struggling to keep her life under control. She saw a beautiful being, glowing with perfection through the tattered shell of scars masking her true self. She saw Rachel Berry, her love. Emma gently tugged at the back of Rachel's bra, freeing the upper portion of her body from their constraints. She worked her fingers under the band of Rachel's panties and slid them down as well, taking care to not stain them with blood.

Emma turned the handle of the tub until warm water came rushing from the faucet. She guided Rachel into the large tub built for two. Rachel looked up at Emma, gesturing for her to join her. She politely refused and instead knelt at the edge. She reached for a clean wash cloth and lifted Rachel's leg to the edge of the tub. She gently scrubbed around the cuts making sure not to scratch any open. If there's one thing Emma couldn't stand it would be blood. It's so dirty and can carry too many horrible diseases. Usually she would never find herself even this close to another person that could be possibly holding millions of harmful bacteria. But there was just something so clean and pure about Rachel. She didn't have to worry about getting sick or becoming contaminated. All she worried about was cleaning up Rachel and making her pain go away. She continued to wash the rest of Rachel's body with extra care. Rachel gazed at Emma, watching her every move. She followed her hands up and down her body. She watched the way she subtly licked her lips when she came to Rachel's nether regions.

_God, she looks so beautiful. She's the nicest, most caring person I have ever met in my entire life. I have to be with her. I can't survive without her. I love her so, so much. _

Rachel stilled Emma's hand with her own. She gave her a soft, longing kiss that lasted mere seconds but felt like eternity to Emma. "Join me, please." Rachel gave one of her stunning smiles as incentive for Emma to get in the tub. It worked. Emma slipped out of her dress and placed it delicately in the laundry bin. She put one leg into the tub, followed by the next. Slowly, she lowered herself into the warm, inviting water. Her head lolled back against the side of the tub as her whole body relaxed. Emma's eyes closed while images of Rachel danced across the darkness. She jumped slightly at the unexpected touch of Rachel's soft fingers along her side. Rachel had pulled the small woman into a tight embrace. She worked small circles along Emma's stomach and thighs with her fingertips, increasing the pressure ever so slightly around the most sensitive areas of her lower body. With one finger she teased Emma's entrance while her other hand held her face tight against her in a fiery kiss. Rachel pushed one finger inside, exploring the warm cavern of her counselor. Emma quivered from the sensation now pulsating through her core. She wondered how such a young and innocent girl seemed to know exactly what she was doing. She had never felt so much pure pleasure from anything in her whole thirty years of existence. Rachel worked at Emma's bundle of nerves with her thumb as she thrust two of her fingers in and out of her squirming counselor.

"Rachel. Rachel. Rachel, oh God, Rachel!" Emma whispered Rachel's name in between gentle kisses and gasps for breath. Rachel brought her to her peak and slowly back down from her state of ecstasy.

"I love you Emma." Rachel mouthed the words over Emma's ear.

"I love you, too, Rachel" Emma turned to face her girl and kissed her softly on the lips.

The two girls stepped out of the tub and wrapped each other in freshly cleaned towels. Emma took Rachel's hand and led her to her bedroom. They sat on the edge of Emma's king sized bed with their fingers interlocked and their eyes fixed on each other. Emma reached her other hand to the top of Rachel's leg to trace her scars once more.

"Why do you do this, Rachel? Doesn't it hurt?"

"Yes, it does hurt. But that's the point. It takes away the other pain I'm feeling. I don't want my heart to hurt so I settle for my leg instead."

"Rachel, I hate seeing these scars run across your legs. Do you know why?"

"No, why?" Rachel watched Emma's fingers trace the new cuts that covered her perfectly toned thighs, small tears forming in the corners of each girl's eyes.

"I don't like seeing them because for each red line, there was pain behind it. You were hurting. Rachel, I've told you this before and I mean it when I say it, that you're perfect. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You're smart, you're caring, you're talented. You are a star, Rachel. You have so much potential to take your life where ever you want it to go. You're amazing. I hope you remember that when you start to feel like you're not."

Rachel looked down in shame. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Emma. I never wanted to upset you by what I do to my own body. It's just that I wanted the pain to go away. I hate the pain. But it didn't work. The only thing that's taken the pain away for real these past few days has been when I'm with you. When I'm talking to you my heart stops aching. When you smile at me I feel happy. Your laugh sends chills through my spine and I know that there are more emotions than just the bad ones. Emma, when you kissed me, when you touched me, I felt loved in more than just a parental way. I have never felt that before. Emma, I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you upset. I just want you. Please don't leave me; never leave me Emma." Rachel leaned in to kiss Emma on the lips but instead came in contact with her cheek.

"I will never leave you Rachel, I promise. I will always be there for you but, sweetie; I don't think we can do this. This isn't right. You're only sixteen. I'm a thirty year old woman. I'm old enough to be your mother! I'm your guidance counselor; I'm supposed to be guiding you to make the right decisions but instead I'm corrupting you. I'm tainting your mind with this idea that we could be together but we just can't. I love you Rachel but this just isn't right." Emma gazed into Rachel's dark brown, pleading eyes. Part of her wants to walk away. Part of her wants to send Rachel home. But an even bigger part of her wants to take the small, fragile girl up into her arms and hold her tight for the rest of forever. Emma suppresses all her inner urges and simply took her delicate hand into her own, holding it gently between the two of them.

"No. Please. You can't. I need you. What don't you understand about that? I love you so, so much and I know you feel the same way. Why can't we make this work? Love is love no matter what. You told me that. Why can't you accept that now?" Rachel was a cross between angry, heartbroken, and simply sad. Her eyes searched Emma's face for traces of the raw emotions Rachel was certain were there.

"I know what I told you and I meant it when I said that. But what we have is not right. Rachel, I love you. I would do anything for you. So, this is the biggest decision I will ever have to make in my life. Rach, honey, I am going to be there for you, no matter what." Emma took a deep breath to try and calm her nerves. "I'm resigning from my position as a guidance counselor at William McKinley. I can't work there and be with you. I can't work in any school and be with a student. I'll get another job somewhere. I'll do anything to be with you." Emma squeezed Rachel's hand tighter as she told her the news. Tears fell from her eyes like rain from a storm cloud.

"You can't quit. I won't be responsible for you leaving your dream job. That's just not happening. I know you love me and would do anything for me but that's a two way street. I can't make you give up what you loved first for something new. Emma, I won't tell anybody about us. You can trust me on that. I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin what we could have. Please, don't quit your job for me. I need you to be there for me but in order to do that you need to be happy. I love you too much to let you do this."

"You make a compelling argument, even if you are sobbing like a child." The two girls giggled as Emma wiped the tears from Rachel's face with her towel. "I won't quit, but you have to promise me that you will never tell anybody about us."

"I promise. But can you promise me something too?"

"Sure, anything."

"Promise me I will get to kiss you every single day. I don't know if I can survive without you anymore."

Emma giggled causing Rachel's body to quiver against her own. She brought her lips down upon Rachel, leaving a short but tender kiss on her soft lips. "Of course, but we must keep this our little secret. I need something a little risky in my life." The two girls burst into a laughing fit which quickly turned into a tickle fight. Rachel pinned the red head beneath her, both towels slipping from their bodies.

"Emma Pillsbury, you are the biggest star in my life." With that, the diva planted a kiss on Emma's perfectly pink lips as she reached over to extinguish the light sitting on Emma's bedside table.

The End.

**A/N: Well, that's it. I hope you liked my first fic ever! I may write more in the future but I doubt they will be rated M. I like reading the smut, I'm just terrible at writing it. (;**


End file.
